Week before the beginning of the show season and I am discovering more crap in my tack box than Lewis and Clark on their mission to find the Northwest Passage.

With that said and the lengthy time it has been since last I wrote – Five for Kung Fu Fighting was the last show of the season… and frankly I really didn’t have much else to share until now.

Nebraska Model Horse Expo is my first show of the year and as usual I am excited and full of trepidation as my life has been wrought with financial turmoil. What started out being as relatively embarrassing as a fart in church has escalated to dropping an F bomb in a room full of nuns to watching an armless blind man juggle two Atomic bombs and a fake boob…yeah, definitely a recipe for disaster, definitely. So, with all that on my plate I set forth on my adventure to NMHE and hopefully a few pretty ribbons to remember the day.

Thursday I was worthless at work so I left early. Got home, packed the car – and I do mean PACKED THE CAR! There was barely any room for my three dogs…yes, three dogs. I got them situated on top of a box in the front seat. Before too long Scully moved to the back and nestled herself in and among the gun cases. Remus and Baldwin managed to stay the distance on their box. As I pulled into Columbus and was just about to cross the Platte, Remus starts with the horking. As I am trying to keep him from vomiting on Baldwin, my gearshift, my purse, my overnight bag and myself, I am trying NOT to drive off the bridge into the river that is too thick to drink and too thin to plow. Of course the dog barfed up a big frothy pile of stomach acid…guess it’s only fair, I was wanting to do so myself, having received a rather upsetting letter in the mail concerning my current financial affairs just before I took off. We pulled over at The Bone (T-Bone’s, just off Hwy 81 on Hwy 30 on the other side of the bridge) so I could clean up the mess and get some petrol. Of course there were no paper towels and Baldwin was looking at me like, “You are going to clean that up, right?” Eventually. I got some nibbles and some petrol and was on my way again. Stomach shooting acid like that dinosaur from Jurassic Park…ugh, now I’M going to be ill…got a call from my solicitor with not very encouraging news. Glad I got some milk, this is going to be a long strange trip, and not the kind you can retrace in finger paints.

Eventually, despite a long and unpleasant anxiety-ridden moment, I was able to make it to my destination in mostly one piece. Exhausted, physically ill, gastronomically challenged, but alive.

I eventually unloaded my vehicle and Frawg and I made our inevitable journey to The World for foodstuffs for the show weekend. I filled her in on the current state of affairs and the lovely situation with a certain Planet California financial firm who, at this time, shall remain nameless, but let it be known that I wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire…

Once we returned I grabbed the bags and headed for the house when I ran into the tree. The errant branch slashed me across the face, poked me in the eye and flung my glasses to places unknown… folks, it’s dark in the country. Very dark. After hunting for my glasses in vain for a few minutes I got out my torch and finally located them, about three feet from where I got attacked…in one piece, thank the gods! After we put the groceries away and ate dinner we stayed up and talked and played show and tell for a while before it was time for bed.

Friday brought forth a crispy white layer of snow. I looked out the window as I blinked back the retina-scorching glare off the crystalised rain I thought, “WTF is this shit?” Then I remembered the storm that followed me to town. I did laundry, texted Frawg, did a little quilting, listened to Frawg’s limited CD selection and hung out. The Bloody Bess arrived as I was finishing up the laundry. She brought in her stuff and we relaxed and chatted for a spell. I was still owlly from the previous day and probably not the best hostess.

That night after Frawg’s return we went running around to Hobby Lobby and the grocery store. Frawg and I had an interesting discussion about necrophilia and why dead people might make good sex partners. They don’t bitch if you call out someone else’s name, you don’t have to buy them dinner and they stay stiff…yeah, it had been a long day. We finally got the grub and checked out with a couple bottles of this Tava beverage. It was different. It wasn’t the hundred burps per bottle stuff I used to drink as a teen, but it was okay…sorta.

Saturday morning came entirely too early at o-dark-thirty in the morning. Dogs out, shower, dressed, breakfast, pack and go...or something along those lines. We got to the show hall and unpacked the truck. Frawg opted to come later as she is NOT an early riser. No one wants an angry Frawg on their hands at 5:30 in the morning…it’s not a pretty sight. She gives the Boogeyman lessons and Chuck Norris quakes in fear of her rath.

Due to a variety of reasons not the least of which is the ridiculously high price of gas, (and before the rest of you go off on me about how high it is in other countries, I know, I know, it’s all relative) illness, other obligations and a laundry list of other reasons attendance for this show was lower than last year. Which was a bummer, but those who did come brought their best to the table. The calibre of competition was FIERCE!

The judging staff was well appointed with two newbies to judging, one long-timer, one long winder and a newcomer to our region who hails from the state of Texas and is a well-known name in the hobby. More specifically a follower and champion for the bastard step-children of the model horse hobby: the long ears and exotics.

My rating on the judges:
Three positives
One neutral
One “shut up and judge for fuksake!”

The show was a two-day event with the Halter classes on Saturday and the rest of the classes including: Fantasy, Workmanship, Dog Show and let us not forget, Performance.

Day one was spent shuttling horses to and from the table to their various classes at various paces. OF Halter – Stone division was judged and over before the OF Breyer division was even a third of the way done. China, Artist Resin and Factory Resin were all judged and the big ribbons awarded before OF Breyer was two-thirds done.

When we finally got through the OF Breyer classes there was very nearly a lynch mob in the wings. Just a tip for this judge: if you would just judge and not have to put your hackneyed two cents worth on EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION the judging would go that much quicker. It would be different if you were studying every single horse with a magnifying glass, but you weren’t. SHUT UP AND JUDGE!

Loading was a breeze. Thanks in no small part to the brilliant minds at Plano, Rubbermaid and Steralite, and whomever makes my little luggage carts. Thank you one and all. We were out like a shot and headed for home, dinner, bath and bed with the werewolf reminding me that the bed was warm and it was time I got myself in it along with the rest of my bitches.

The following morning was another gawd awful early morning, made even earlier by the introduction of Daylight Savings. Ugh. Spring ahead my ass…not when I am getting out of bed at four in the morning…came with out a warning…<strains of Night Ranger dancing in my head>

Haul, haul, pack pack, vroom vroom. Back to the show hall to unpack for the day. Unloading was a breeze… Thanks again to my peeps at P, R and S. Love you guys!

Sunday was the big day for my personal string. While my horses did extraordinarily well at the Halter Extravaganza the previous day, several of them did unbelievably well on day two.

I will take a moment here from my run down of the day’s activities to mention the various people who filtered in throughout the days. Most were curious passersby who were like, “Oh goodness, I had no idea.” or “I used to have those little horses when I was a kid.” They were fun to talk to and interesting to share anecdotes with. The children with the notable exception of two, were well behaved and really seemed to enjoy themselves.

One child was the offspring of a vendor and was a bit grabby but generally not much of nuisance. She seemed to enjoy seeing all the pretty horses and was tickled to be given a couple of free-bee trinkets.

The child from Hell on day two was a serious nuisance. I am not sure about the dynamics of the family, nor do I wish to go there. I work in a mental facility in the Children’s department…I am getting used to future opera singers and heavy metal rock stars… Silence is golden. When the family made their final egress a collective sigh of relief was like the Sa-nah-tah Ah-nah Winds (on a stick).

Back to our report:
The fantasy classes were well attended, primarily by Bloody Bess and myself. Bess is the big fantasy person; I just dabble in it. Bain du Soliel, my Abraxan-Unicorn cross was a winner across the board and ended up taking several championships including Winged Unicorns and an Overall in Fantasy. He really is quite impressive when standing on the table. Even if he is a big hair beast…

The Workmanship Classes were well attended also. I brought to the table only the horses I had personally worked on and left my other artist pieces at Frawg’s. I wanted to see how my work stacked up against the others and I was not disappointed. While I did not do as well as I had hoped in AR Repaint Only my horses were up against some serious competition so my disappointment was tempered by being beaten by better horses. I did do outstandingly well in AR Haired Mane and Tail with my new little Florida Cracker, “My Gurl Purl.” She’s ugly as a turd pie, but I really like the way the gurl came out in the end – five paint jobs and a fall to the floor later. Brenda took her AR Resculpted Mane and Tail class and went on to take Overall Champion in the AR and the Workmanship Divisions. Not bad from an eighth place at last year’s NMHE…not bad at all.

Dog Classes were a howl. Red and our judge from The Lone Star state ended up judging these classes and they were just great. I was very pleased with the level of judging, not because my dogs did well, but because the judging was accurate and the placings made sense. The ribbons were a huge hit and people were pulling dogs off their performance entries to attend. My new English Setter, “CMK Let Me Borrow That Top” took best in show. She’s a pretty betch.

Performance:
And now for something completely different…

I have not shown in performance for almost ten years. Part of this was I felt I did not have the right tack, horses, or set ups that could compete, part of it was that I had had a very bad experience at a live show and was completely turned off the whole affair. After a very long hiatus, I’m back and ready to bring it to the table.

As many of you dear readers know, Brenda Batty Atty was my dream horse in real life and her portrait model is my pride and joy. Li’l Brenda, aka “The Beast” is now a performance horse to be reckoned with.

We pulled out the stoppers and pretty much threw caution to the wind with this day of showing in performance. We were up against some seriously tough competition with Bess and The Ribbon Hunter. Historically, The Ribbon Hunter has ruled the Performance classes, but now she has some competition and while I may be green and rusty, Brenda and I are going to give her a run for her money! Mark my words. You watch your ass skinny Minnie!

Just a couple notes on the performance classes: if I put the dressage rail where it needed to be in scale to where Brenda was standing to the relative distance of the rail in a FEI standard arena, it would be 43.73” away from her. Last time I checked, the tables are not that wide and I’d need a table all to myself if I went by length. Also, if your horse is over 2-4 years old they cannot wear a bosal or a snaffle in competition. Your horse has jowls, and serious bulk, therefore he is NOT a 2-4 year old. Get a curb on that sumbitch and quit dazzling your judges with all the bling you can throw at them. With that said, the performance classes were tough, damn tough and we had a couple of killer, cutthroat judges making the three of us showing bring our best game to the table. Anything less would have been criminal.

Overall, I gotta say NMHE 2008 was a helluva show. The screaming hell-child aside, I had a great time and I did very well. Competition was top notch, the horses were incredible, the showers had a great time and seemed to really enjoy themselves and for the most part the judges were spot on. The only thing that could have made this show any better was if it had been a qualifier for Nationals, but that is neither here nor there. The show, while sparsely attended was a smashing success in my NOT so humble opinion and a fantastic beginning to the 2008 show year. Well done Red Flint, well done!

PS. I eated it…